So Much for that Vacation...

I've been home for two days. The cold I got while I was in Canada is starting to go away. The exhaustion is being replaced by simple numbness. We travelled 2000 miles in 6 days. The trip was cut short (basically in half), because last week Sam called to say he had been LAID OFF-after working at the same place for 8 years! Not only did he get cut, but so did about 8 other people. Sam didn't deserve what they did to him and I'm sure they didn't have a clue as to how much he did for that shitty company.

I was ill after the call. I started to wonder if I would lose my house. Here comes Christmas, too...and I am just starting to get back on my feet after having the WORST year ever (financially). "that company" was also one of my biggest clients! In a way, I'm cut, too, even if I'm just a freelancer.

Fortunately Sam has lots of energy for doing something about his employment problems. I came home to help him feel better, but he's not even around! He's in NYC talking people up about work. I wonder if I needed to come home after all? It's strange to be back. It was nice to be away from the grind.

So I've survived the trip with my mother and I will write more about that later. What I will say is that Nova Scotia is very very beautiful. Every day was SUNNY and CLEAR and mild. The ocean seems more colorful and vibrant there. The people are friendly. I felt a "tug" at my heart when I knew we had to leave. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to face what was waiting for me. I'm tired of things sucking and being difficult.

*sigh*

I know. It could be so much worse...yes, indeed.

Nova Scotia Bound

It's almost time...I'm going on my FIRST VACATION in about 7 YEARS!!! My mother and I are going to Nova Scotia for almost two weeks. Yikes!

I wasn't taking it seriously-that we would even go. We get along, then get into a fight and things change, last minute...yet..some how we have gotten down to the day before we leave and things are still all right. I'm getting more and more breathless about leaving. After all, it will be alot of driving in a rental car, long distances, being trapped with my mother and her with me. That said, I'm excited to see Halifax-FINALLY-and Cape Breton!!!! The fall colors are kicking in and we should see some spectacular scenary. If I have any net access, I'll update my BLOG while I'm on the road.

I'm sure there will be many photos and stories to tell starting tomorrow with the 8 HOUR drive to Bar Harbor, Maine so we can catch the CAT Ferry to Yarmouth, NS on Thursday morning.

Sam gets to stay home with the cats. I WISH he was coming with me, but I know that having some time apart will be good for us. NOT! BOOHOO.

More from Canada soon?!

What is...NOT Comic Sans

What is...NOT Comic Sans
Originally uploaded by KitschKat.

I really get pissed off when people act as though they have all the knowledge and artistic sensibility of the entire universe in their little finger. They feel obliged to take pot-shots at designers, like me, without even having the SLIGHTEST bit of understanding about what they are talking about.

This little graphic illustrates such a point.

I have been reading BLOGs ripping into a design I worked on. I won't say what the project was since my client has asked me to stay silent about this. I figure I can say enough to let the steam off..and leave it at that.

These know-it-all-idiots are accusing me of using Comic Sans in my project and declaring that they know better and that 1) it should NOT be used, 2) my client and I must have clipart design skills.

If you check out the image, you will see that what I did was nowhere near Comic Sans. It was far more elegant than that, sheesh...and if I used Comic Sans, it would have been because it was APPROPRIATE to do so.

Also, and most importantly, if "you" are going to rip on someone else's work, then you should take into consideration the design constraints of the project, instead of just assuming that if you did the work, you could do it OH SO MUCH BETTER.

If you followed the request of your client, you'd find that you have to make the best design choices you can based on those requests. You can't go off on a tangent just because you think you know better. What sort of designer is that?

I saw the examples of the hacks who think they can design something better. Their results were way off target of the design criteria and...oh they were so very DULL. Please...Comic Sans would have helped what they did. At least it would have had a bit of character.

'nuff said...

The Effects of Shambhala Training on Relationships-My Starting Point

Geez, that title makes me feel so smart!

NOT.

Nevertheless, one kind reader reminded me about how important meditation practice is in her 10 year marriage. I've neglected to talk about "Practice" because I still believe I'm not very qualified to do so. Just for some background, in 1993 Sam introduced me to a secular form of Tibetan Buddhism called "Shambhala Training" by way of a book entitled:Shambhala: Sacred Path of the Warrior by Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche.

I was raised without formal religion. One of my parents was raised Catholic and the other very "relaxed" sort of Judisim. Somehow my folks decided it made more sense (or they didn't want to deal with fighting about it) if my brother and I were allowed to chose a faith to follow on our own.

This was good because I wasn't crushed by any particular dogma at a young age. This was bad because I grew up without having a good understanding about what faith really meant. I was suspicious of religion and decided I must be either agnostic or an atheist.

So...I read the book. I cried. It was very simple to understand and I kept finding myself saying; "Yes! Yes! This is how I feel about things, too!" I wanted more...so...I went up to Karme Choling, a Buddhist Meditation Center in Barnet, Vermont and attended the first in a series of about 13 classes, simply called; Level One. It was to introduce me to the process of meditation, of beginning to learn how to tame the thoughts of my very wild mind. I found it grueling and strange. Everyone had a creepy sort of friendliness about them. I started to seriously fear I was getting into some sort of cult. There was something about the process, though that made me feel for the first time, that my mind and body felt synchronized. It had a very calming effect on me.

I didn't keep up with classes. I had too much fear. 9 YEARS later when Sam and I were considering getting back together after a few years apart, he asked me to take Levels 2 and 3 and then I was on my own. I promised I would. I'm glad I did. Our relationship changed dramatically for the better after I took those classes. Suddenly I had a new vocabulary in which to communicate with. I had learned some new practices, along with meditation that helped me to open up. We began to relate to each other in ways I never thought possible. It truly was life-changing and not full of "mumbo-jumbo" tricks or bullshit. It felt and still feels very very real and honest.

I started a journey that has lead me in just two years to taking all of the classes, including a 2 week graduate program. Each class was a challenge, made me doubt everything, but also there was this "something" that drew me forward. Once I started to look at the "stink" of my own life, neurosis, habitual patterns, I could not go back to ignoring them. Also, I began to open up in ways I had never imagined I could-and also realized just how much further I have to go.

Throughout this process, too, there was a great deal of sitting meditation. I believe, as so many others do, that meditation really DOES make a tremendous difference in how you relate to things.

Sadly, what I discovered over these past few weeks is that even with all this training, if you don't keep up with it and keep sitting on that cushion and working with your mind, the tendency is to just have a wild mind again, which leads to all sorts of nasty things-like not getting to sleep in your own bed.

Not to be a saleswoman or anything, I seriously reccomend checking out Shambhala Training or, at least, reading the book (there are MANY MANY about Tibetan Buddhism and Shambhala Training) "Shambhala: Scared Path..." As someone who was really concerned about it being a cult it is far from it. It's not a lot of BS. It's about how to work with your mind...just check it out!

Letting it all Hang Out

I got to sleep in my own bed!

Good start.

We had a lonnnnnnng talk. Most of the time it was civilized. A few low blows were volleyed here and there. It was just more depressing than anything else.

What I hate most and have the most difficult time with in a relationship is realzing how fu@ked up I am about certain things. Relationships can be like mirrors, pointing to your every flaw. Sure, I can take it, some times, but that night wasn't one of those times.

I ended up saying that I wanted to break up. I'm just not "built" to be in a 24/7 sort of "thing" with someone. I'm good at getting together occassionaly. I can be reliable and compassionate, but there are just some times when I would rather be alone or just hang out with the cats and leave it at that. There is way too much work for way too little result so much of the time. There's extra cooking and cleaning to do. There's more to worry about because if you give a sh!t about your partner, their actions effect you. There's less room in the BED (am I obsessing about getting sleep?).

Then Sam admitted that he didn't think he was "right" for me and we had to go around and around about that, too. He also said he wasn't good at this relationship thing, but he was willing to keep working at it. Neither of us have had very good role models and we barely know anyone who's even IN a LTR, let alone happy in one.

I'm kind of tired from working this past weekend. I can't really remember what it was that turned the tide. It must have been around 1am (Sam has to get up at 5:30am so he can commute to NYC every day)...we REALLY needed to stop talking even if we didn't get eveything sorted out. I think it was simply that we put our cards on the table very honestly-even if it was painful to do so. Some sort of psychological bubble burst after that and the pressure was released...or maybe it was released when we went to bed?

Hmmm....

What Makes Relationships Work?

So now what do I do? Things really suck with me and my boyfriend. It's just tense and unpleasant. I want to write about how I'm feeling and what I'm observing, but then...what happens if he reads this? How would anyone feel if they were dissected infront of strangers...that is, if anyone IS reading this BLOG, anyway!

Writing always helps me to feel better. It's a nice way to vent.

I also need some help here. I need some opinions, maybe...from people who are smart, who are in decent, working relationships. Are there any people like that out there? Are we all just trapped in these relationships where we accept the bad and hope for some of the good to happen often enough that there is some balance? Yeah, I realize that nothing is perfect, but should I expect more? OR Should I be more grateful for what I have?

Shit...ugh...blah.

"Everyone" says that having a relationship is hard work. WHY? Why does it have to be difficult? That doesn't make sense to me. If you love someone and they love you, why can't it be simple? Why can't it be something you can draw from and give back to..something that enriches your soul and something that allows you to radiate that back out.

IS ANYONE OUT THERE IN A GOOD, HAPPY, FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP OR ARE WE ALL JUST LYING TO OURSELVES OR WATCHING TOO MUCH TV AND BASING WHAT WE THINK IS A GOOD RELATIONSHIP ON SH!T THAT IS MADE UP?

And please, if you are going to comment, don't comment if your relationship is less than a year in duration. Come on. We all know that one good year is fairly easy to come by. Talk to me when you hit 5 or 10 or more.

Thanks for your help.

Sad in Sandy Hook...
...where will I sleep tonight I wonder?

Over, Not Out.

So the fight is over. I got to sleep in my own bed last night. I'm still tired, but have to push on. Got some work to do.

I've been in this relationship (on and off) for 11 years. We've only just started living in the same house. It's changed from seeing each other on weekends to the daily grind. Of course it's natural to presume one might get pissy around another person when you're trapped like that.

Did I say, trapped?

It also sucks to realize the romance portion of the program is pretty much over. It hurts. It's like a death. Maybe I'm being a big baby and I should be happy I'm with someone who doesn't screw around on me or watch sports for endless hours. Those two things alone should be enough, in some ways. I just miss the sweet-stuff. I'm a female. I have my chicky-needs.

Even the fights are different. We used to TALK about every minute detail that caused us to have a problem. It would go on and on until we resolved things and felt like we had a better understanding of each other. It was compassionate. Now it's just the "wall of silence" until one of us cracks from the stress and appologizes or just suddenly starts talking to the other as if nothing ever happened. I promised myself I would never do this, yet here I am and it has just happened.

This is definitely worth thinking about so that's what I'm going to go do...or maybe I will work until I forget about how this is bothering me and think about it later. Hmmmm...

Headache

I must have gotten about 3 hours of sleep last night, on the floor of one of the guest rooms in my house. Yeah..I gotta get a guest bed in that room so the next time I have a HUGE FIGHT with my boyfriend, I will have someplace more comfortable to sleep. Or NEXT TIME he can go sleep on the floor.

Ain't life grand?

:-(

Never-ending Story

Okay so I thought I'd seen the last of "the spider." Apparently not. Last night I turned on the lamp near my bed and opened up a window blind that covers a sliding door to my deck. Guess who? "Hi honey, I'm HOME!!!!"

Yep. Right there at about eye-level was the spider. She had made another web by my window. It was very very weird. My mom says it's just that I'm seeing the same kind of spider all over my house and I'm sayin' I've never seen a spider like that before and to see it like this cannot be a coincidence. Next mother wondered if it was my dad, now dead 5 years, looking in on me and I'm thinkin' no fu@king way is my dad back as an arachnid. No way. He may have had his faults, but I'm pretty sure you get to be reborn as a human if you are one currently (unless you make a huge mess of this life, of course and if you believe in that sort of thing).

This morning the spider was gone, but I saw two small webs built off the deck railing. I'm guessing she is with one of them, just waiting for an incomming snack.

In the fall, after the first frost, I am going to SWEEP all the friggen' webs off my house. Enough already!

:-)

Here She is...Miss America!

Spider
Originally uploaded by KitschKat.

This is the spider that's been the subject of my fascination and fear.

8-Legged Company

I checked the web again today and it's empty and even more tattered. The little spider who I believe is the male is still there with the egg sacs. I guess that's it...

...about an hour after I checked, my boyfriend, Sam went out to the garage. A few minutes later he came inside and asked me to come out and see this big spider web. I grabbed my camera and followed him out the door. I couldn't make much out, but after I found a good angle, I could see a web, very similar to the one outside my back door.

Could it be her?

I started looking around the perimeter of the web for a spider. I saw a few big daddy long legs, but nothing resembling my rather chubby, scary friend. I got lower and looked at my garbage can. The web was tacked from one side of it to half way across my garage door. On the underside of the garbage can lid I could see spider legs. I lifted the lid and there she was. Unmistakably her. She came out, staying upside down. I tried to get some photos of her, but it was tough to get a good shot. She must have moved her web since the "pickin's" at the back of the house weren't good enough.

She couldn't stay by the garage. She'd never make it past me opening the garage door. So Sam kindly offered to relocate her. My first thought was back to where she was before. Since it didn't work for her, I guessed that perhaps the overhang near my office window would be suitable. Sam was able to coax her onto a piece of cardboard and I took some quick photos which I will post here later. He released her to the wall near my office window where she blended in perfectly and seemed to be scoping out the possibility of life on the south side of the house.

In my life, I've never followed the comings and goings of a spider, or other insect for that matter, before. I wonder what's next?

Gone

She's gone. The spider is gone. Her web is in tatters. Her mate is still guarding the egg sacs (now there are two). I'm so sad. I don't know what happened. Was she killed by something larger? Did she simply die? It's been an enire day with no sight of her. She was here for about a week. Every day I checked up on her. While it was a bit creepy, it was also fascinating to watch her. I wish I knew more about how this sort of spider lives...about what happened to her. Now I'm thinking if she is gone tomorrow I will go to the web and carefully collect the egg sacs and male spider and relocate them to my garden where the offspring can be born safely and, yes, AWAY from the house. There certainly is an "eek" factor about this that I'm not ignoring.

Spider-lady wherever you are you are missed.