Freaky Monster Kitties

Freaky Monster Kitties
Originally uploaded by KitschKat.

A simple test photo of a long exposure that turned into something E-VILE! I especially like the way Nora's glowing EYES reflect on the floor. ACK!

Still Trying to Figure Relationships Out

Chapter 99, WTF.

I have spent many hours of the past 3 decades of my life pondering relationships. First it was just if Brad Johnston was going to kiss me. I met him at the movie theater in Excelsior, MN. I was almost 13 and had a wicked crush on Brad. He came into class one day with his on underwear OUTSIDE his pants! He stripped G.I.Joe NAKED in-front of a bunch of girls before the teacher came into class! Brad's wise-ass antics caught me in his spell.

The movie that was playing was "Godzilla vs the Smog Monsters." Talk about romantic.
We were both very nervous. I didn't know what was going to happen, if anything at all. Well into the movie, Brad managed to make an excuse to put his arm around the back my seat, but not really touching me. He leaned over and pretended he was going to whisper in my ear, but instead he kissed my cheek. I couldn't breathe! I was so surprised and thrilled! Yet, that was it.

For being 12 3/4 years old, it was plenty. My mother picked me up outside the theater that afternoon and my head was reeling. I couldn't wait to get home, lie on my bed and daydream. I still recall thinking "I will never be the same again." Suddenly my dad was being replaced as the sole male focus in my life.

Brad gave me a Gardner snake my mother named Quisimoto as a gift (which disappeared soon after its arrival...and months later we found that my cat had eaten most of it..and left a few bits hidden under a living room chair!

Ahhh..Brad..where have you gone?

And now all these years later, I am still confused about men and what to expect from them. It's far more complicated than a simple kiss or a snake gone missing.

I keep wondering if what I have now is enough. If it's OK not to feel happy a lot. If it's OK to feel a yearning for different things and have contentment in some of what is there. I asked a good friend of mine about his marriage of 22 years. How he can be OK with not having sex for 3 years (and counting). How he can stay with her when he is quite ribald and she is quite a prude? He says they are good friends and "that's what porn is for." regarding his lack of physical gratification. Is that a road I am headed down? A time when I will not have been intimate for years? I don't want to imagine that, but I can see how it could happen.

I also realized, in spending the day with my pal, that I could experience joy and laughter again. I started to wonder about "what if's" with him. He has many qualities I adore. At the end of our adventures visiting NYC I felt sad. I didn't want to go home. He met Sam and the two of them seemed like they were going to have a bit of a wrestling match! Sam acted oddly, but never said anything directly. I'm sure he could tell I was having fun and was probably somewhat concerned since he knows I've been cranky about that topic with him.

Late last night, while I was tossing and turning in bed, I started to realize that perhaps the complexity and history of my relationship with Sam keeps us both from having much fun with each other? It's easy for me to hang out with a friend for a day and have a blast because neither of us have to worry about getting on each other's nerves. I don't have to be bothered if my friend is a neat-freak or that I might be a slob and having to clean the house or fix the broken faucet is not even going to come up. All we have to do is talk about FUN things, mess around on the computer and do cheesy touristy stuff. I guess that's a key for me. With all the complexity stripped away, it should be easy to have fun. I'll have to try to look at Sam differently, keeping it in mind to stay FRESH. If we can't have fun with each other understanding we are taking a break from the dreariness of life, then we need to have a "Talk."

As for my good friend, I hope he finds a way to get laid soon. All my best to him!

This is very soothing...I promise!

This link was just forwarded to me. Looking at the Gallery section is a comfort. If you're a Democrat, check this out Sorry Everybody.

Bluer than Blue

I'm trying to be gracious, really I am, but I don't want to be. No. I don't.

In one of my very first posts I wrote about how I was somewhat coerced into chatting online with my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. I'd heard alot about her, about how she was some things I was not, about how even though we broke up because of the distance between us (147 miles), that he was willing to go the 70 miles or so to her house. How he didn't want to date anyone with kids and she has a 7 yr old. How he and I used to be best buddies and now he was reluctant to tell me anything, which of course means everything.

I kept telling myself that this was good for everyone. He is happy. She is happy. I am in a relationship and doing fine so everything is great.

Not.

For a long while now I find myself feeling angry and jealous. At first I thought it was because my ex was really really happy (as opposed to getting laid, which I'm thinking his first relationship after me was about). Now I'm starting to realize that it's not about how happy the-just-had-a-sixth-month-anniversary-couple is, it's about how unhappy I am.

I really don't have any bad feelings towards them at all. It's just hard for me to know about how incredibly happy they are when I am not. I need to stop being a jerk-wad about that and focus on what is going on in my own home.

My relationship is far from its first blossom. We are trying to learn to live with each other, but we're in my house so it can make things harder. We don't say cute things to each other or leave loving notes, though I did leave 4 cards for him when I went away to Canada a few months ago-there is little from him.

Last night he made a phone call right in front of me to a female student he was trying to help out. He was interested in what she had to say, he was supportive, he was outgoing and friendly. He even said; "Take care" as he hung up the phone and ended their call. I wasn't jealous about him talking to a woman, I just wish he would be so focused on me when we talk on the phone! I found myself sinking deeper into this depression and asking myself if this is really what I want? Why doesn't he ever say "Take care" or "I love you" or anything other than "bye" when we are on the damn phone?!

Is it ridiculous to think that after 11 years of knowing each other we should be able to give each other some REAL attention for a few minutes each day? My boyfriend has been distracted for one reason or another for a LONG time..not just since he got laid off two months ago, but maybe around the time he moved in. He is always thinking about something that has to be done or something that is bothering him. I'm just starting to ask myself if the only time he will focus on me is when he wants some sex!!! My GOD, I hope that's not right. I really hope that's not the case.

I'm at a point where I feel left out, left alone, ugly and old. I MISS the romance so much that I think it's making me overeat like a maniac. Like the food will give me the comfort I'm not getting in my life. This has to stop. I need to make some changes, but I am terrified to be looking at this stuff.

For what it's worth, I like my ex, his girlfriend and her son a great deal. They are wonderful people and deserve my total support. I need to learn to be more gracious about their happiness and simply wish them all the best, I do. There, I said it. It is their joy that makes me realize that I could be happy, too. I'm not sure how to get there, but it's there...somehow...somewhere.

As for my boyfriend, well I know I'm not telling the "whole" story. I don't think either of us have the ability to do that. Too much has happened over the years. I keep yearning to get back to feeling fresh, happy...God I am so sad. I feel so lonely.

I guess I'll go eat. :-(

Feeling Blue

It's difficult to articulate the mix of feelings I'm having about the election results. I'm flat out frustrated, angry, astonished, ashamed of some of my fellow Americans. Hmm, that wasn't so difficult.

How could anyone have voted for Bush? Are *that* many people walking around in a complete FOG? Did anyone notice we went from the largest surplus in HISTORY to the largest DEFICIT in history in just 4 years? Does anyone give a shit about the environment getting trampled on? Since when was it that the United States was about administering the proper MORALS on all of us? Are we a "Christian's Only" country and everyone else can go screw themselves? This was supposed to be "the land of the FREE" not the land of "you're free as long as you follow our religious beliefs" however restrictive they are to your personal beliefs, lifestyle, morals.

I liked the way Bush basically said yesterday that he would "reach out" to the Democrats as long as they were willing to come to him and accept his way of doing things. Yeah, reach this, asshole.

So I am asking myself what I can do about this. I'm a Graphic Designer, not a Politician. I love what this country used to stand for, but not the BS that's getting crammed down our throats now. I am embarrassed to be an American. In other countries we are looked at as the spoiled brat who will throw a tantrum if it doesn't get it's way. We're fat and fat-headed. It's our way or the highway. What happened to compassion and intelligence?

Moving to Canada. Yes, I've been thinking about that for 4 years. I just went to Nova Scotia and I even looked at some homes for sale while I was there. I took the "Skilled Worker Assessment Test" to see if I qualified to immigrate. Maybe I could make a better life for myself and make a contribution to country that might benefit from my being there?

My family is here, my friends are here, the beautiful land I have known as HOME is here...but...I'm not sure I can be in the US and see the road Bush is going to take us down-where my gay friends can't at least have a civil union...where my friend who may have made a mistake and become pregnant can't get an abortion, where I can't be a Buddhist publicly, where I can't take my nephew to see the wonder of Arctic National Wildlife Refuge because it's filled with oil rigs.

You know, it's not that I think Canada is the answer, it's that by staying in the USA I'm a part of this train wreck and in by staying I'm saying it's OK. I've gotta do something about this. It's not OK. It's not even close to OK.