Bluer than Blue

I'm trying to be gracious, really I am, but I don't want to be. No. I don't.

In one of my very first posts I wrote about how I was somewhat coerced into chatting online with my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. I'd heard alot about her, about how she was some things I was not, about how even though we broke up because of the distance between us (147 miles), that he was willing to go the 70 miles or so to her house. How he didn't want to date anyone with kids and she has a 7 yr old. How he and I used to be best buddies and now he was reluctant to tell me anything, which of course means everything.

I kept telling myself that this was good for everyone. He is happy. She is happy. I am in a relationship and doing fine so everything is great.

Not.

For a long while now I find myself feeling angry and jealous. At first I thought it was because my ex was really really happy (as opposed to getting laid, which I'm thinking his first relationship after me was about). Now I'm starting to realize that it's not about how happy the-just-had-a-sixth-month-anniversary-couple is, it's about how unhappy I am.

I really don't have any bad feelings towards them at all. It's just hard for me to know about how incredibly happy they are when I am not. I need to stop being a jerk-wad about that and focus on what is going on in my own home.

My relationship is far from its first blossom. We are trying to learn to live with each other, but we're in my house so it can make things harder. We don't say cute things to each other or leave loving notes, though I did leave 4 cards for him when I went away to Canada a few months ago-there is little from him.

Last night he made a phone call right in front of me to a female student he was trying to help out. He was interested in what she had to say, he was supportive, he was outgoing and friendly. He even said; "Take care" as he hung up the phone and ended their call. I wasn't jealous about him talking to a woman, I just wish he would be so focused on me when we talk on the phone! I found myself sinking deeper into this depression and asking myself if this is really what I want? Why doesn't he ever say "Take care" or "I love you" or anything other than "bye" when we are on the damn phone?!

Is it ridiculous to think that after 11 years of knowing each other we should be able to give each other some REAL attention for a few minutes each day? My boyfriend has been distracted for one reason or another for a LONG time..not just since he got laid off two months ago, but maybe around the time he moved in. He is always thinking about something that has to be done or something that is bothering him. I'm just starting to ask myself if the only time he will focus on me is when he wants some sex!!! My GOD, I hope that's not right. I really hope that's not the case.

I'm at a point where I feel left out, left alone, ugly and old. I MISS the romance so much that I think it's making me overeat like a maniac. Like the food will give me the comfort I'm not getting in my life. This has to stop. I need to make some changes, but I am terrified to be looking at this stuff.

For what it's worth, I like my ex, his girlfriend and her son a great deal. They are wonderful people and deserve my total support. I need to learn to be more gracious about their happiness and simply wish them all the best, I do. There, I said it. It is their joy that makes me realize that I could be happy, too. I'm not sure how to get there, but it's there...somehow...somewhere.

As for my boyfriend, well I know I'm not telling the "whole" story. I don't think either of us have the ability to do that. Too much has happened over the years. I keep yearning to get back to feeling fresh, happy...God I am so sad. I feel so lonely.

I guess I'll go eat. :-(