Letting it all Hang Out

I got to sleep in my own bed!

Good start.

We had a lonnnnnnng talk. Most of the time it was civilized. A few low blows were volleyed here and there. It was just more depressing than anything else.

What I hate most and have the most difficult time with in a relationship is realzing how fu@ked up I am about certain things. Relationships can be like mirrors, pointing to your every flaw. Sure, I can take it, some times, but that night wasn't one of those times.

I ended up saying that I wanted to break up. I'm just not "built" to be in a 24/7 sort of "thing" with someone. I'm good at getting together occassionaly. I can be reliable and compassionate, but there are just some times when I would rather be alone or just hang out with the cats and leave it at that. There is way too much work for way too little result so much of the time. There's extra cooking and cleaning to do. There's more to worry about because if you give a sh!t about your partner, their actions effect you. There's less room in the BED (am I obsessing about getting sleep?).

Then Sam admitted that he didn't think he was "right" for me and we had to go around and around about that, too. He also said he wasn't good at this relationship thing, but he was willing to keep working at it. Neither of us have had very good role models and we barely know anyone who's even IN a LTR, let alone happy in one.

I'm kind of tired from working this past weekend. I can't really remember what it was that turned the tide. It must have been around 1am (Sam has to get up at 5:30am so he can commute to NYC every day)...we REALLY needed to stop talking even if we didn't get eveything sorted out. I think it was simply that we put our cards on the table very honestly-even if it was painful to do so. Some sort of psychological bubble burst after that and the pressure was released...or maybe it was released when we went to bed?

Hmmm....