Still Trying to Figure Relationships Out

Chapter 99, WTF.

I have spent many hours of the past 3 decades of my life pondering relationships. First it was just if Brad Johnston was going to kiss me. I met him at the movie theater in Excelsior, MN. I was almost 13 and had a wicked crush on Brad. He came into class one day with his on underwear OUTSIDE his pants! He stripped G.I.Joe NAKED in-front of a bunch of girls before the teacher came into class! Brad's wise-ass antics caught me in his spell.

The movie that was playing was "Godzilla vs the Smog Monsters." Talk about romantic.
We were both very nervous. I didn't know what was going to happen, if anything at all. Well into the movie, Brad managed to make an excuse to put his arm around the back my seat, but not really touching me. He leaned over and pretended he was going to whisper in my ear, but instead he kissed my cheek. I couldn't breathe! I was so surprised and thrilled! Yet, that was it.

For being 12 3/4 years old, it was plenty. My mother picked me up outside the theater that afternoon and my head was reeling. I couldn't wait to get home, lie on my bed and daydream. I still recall thinking "I will never be the same again." Suddenly my dad was being replaced as the sole male focus in my life.

Brad gave me a Gardner snake my mother named Quisimoto as a gift (which disappeared soon after its arrival...and months later we found that my cat had eaten most of it..and left a few bits hidden under a living room chair!

Ahhh..Brad..where have you gone?

And now all these years later, I am still confused about men and what to expect from them. It's far more complicated than a simple kiss or a snake gone missing.

I keep wondering if what I have now is enough. If it's OK not to feel happy a lot. If it's OK to feel a yearning for different things and have contentment in some of what is there. I asked a good friend of mine about his marriage of 22 years. How he can be OK with not having sex for 3 years (and counting). How he can stay with her when he is quite ribald and she is quite a prude? He says they are good friends and "that's what porn is for." regarding his lack of physical gratification. Is that a road I am headed down? A time when I will not have been intimate for years? I don't want to imagine that, but I can see how it could happen.

I also realized, in spending the day with my pal, that I could experience joy and laughter again. I started to wonder about "what if's" with him. He has many qualities I adore. At the end of our adventures visiting NYC I felt sad. I didn't want to go home. He met Sam and the two of them seemed like they were going to have a bit of a wrestling match! Sam acted oddly, but never said anything directly. I'm sure he could tell I was having fun and was probably somewhat concerned since he knows I've been cranky about that topic with him.

Late last night, while I was tossing and turning in bed, I started to realize that perhaps the complexity and history of my relationship with Sam keeps us both from having much fun with each other? It's easy for me to hang out with a friend for a day and have a blast because neither of us have to worry about getting on each other's nerves. I don't have to be bothered if my friend is a neat-freak or that I might be a slob and having to clean the house or fix the broken faucet is not even going to come up. All we have to do is talk about FUN things, mess around on the computer and do cheesy touristy stuff. I guess that's a key for me. With all the complexity stripped away, it should be easy to have fun. I'll have to try to look at Sam differently, keeping it in mind to stay FRESH. If we can't have fun with each other understanding we are taking a break from the dreariness of life, then we need to have a "Talk."

As for my good friend, I hope he finds a way to get laid soon. All my best to him!