Lost Love

I'm old. Face it. 43. That's a life-lived already. Lots of folks don't even get to my age. I'm not overly thrilled with aging, but I'm also not paying much attention to it. The one thing I *DO* have a hard time with is the pain of my past mistakes, mis-adventures and mis-directed attentions. I know I can't change it or get a "do-over." I know I need to move on. In most ways, how can I not?

That said, I feel so much misery about it. I want to go back and realize that I was missing out on some great things. I was too distracted or neurotic or both to really FEEL or listen to what other people were saying to me. Just yesterday while I was cleaning out my office, I came across some old letters. It struck me that not only did I miss a chance at love, but that my life has been filled with love. I've never paid it any attention. I've never thought it was "real." That they didn't really mean it.

There is one particular person I wish I could contact again, but I know he would not welcome it. He is a great artist (though when I knew him he was "starving"). He was handsome and funny. For some reason his weakness brought out a nastiness in me. He could not face me or stand up to me and there were times I needed that. He was not strong, emotionally, and was somewhat immature, too. After we broke up, he was inspired to get out there and find someone and the next person he met, he married. I met her a few times. She seemed to be like me, but unlike me, she wanted to be his "mother" and I wanted none of that.

So why does it still pain me? I think it's because of the love I felt from him and the creativity we shared. I think I miss that the most-being creative with someone, wildly and passionately creative. I don't have that now and lately I'm noticing it.

What is important? Being with someone who is creative, as I am? Or being with someone who will go up on the roof and fix the leak, even though he doesn't want to do it, is scared to do it and isn't even sure HOW to do it (which Sam just did yesterday). I can count on Sam and he stands up to me and he's a "grown-up," he LOVES me, damn it...but I can't help feel that I want more. God, I feel like I'm a jerk for feeling this way.

I think it's me. I'm missing being as creative as I can possibly be. Why am I waiting for something? I don't need to. I need to dig in and do it. I feel it burning inside me. Time to let it out.